


Star Gazer

by ConfessionForAnotherTime



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Related, Canonical Character Death, F/F, First Kiss, Kissing, Mutual Pining, mentioned Nork, mentioned Southington, mentioned Yorkalina
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 10:40:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4134420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConfessionForAnotherTime/pseuds/ConfessionForAnotherTime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Connie and South probably were behind the scenes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Star Gazer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sarinalina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarinalina/gifts).



> The result of knowing what could have been or might have happened behind the scenes. Don't listen to the English Anniversary version, covered by ham, of the Vocaloid song "Magnet" while reading this.

South had held her hand up to Connie after finishing the exercise, smiling incredibly wide. CT high fived her, returning the grin. The pair had demolished the exercise set up for them, leaving York, Wash, and North barely holding themselves together as they limped their way to Recovery for the sake of nursing the deep, purple bruises and bloody scrapes that would still be on them even through the armor.

“We fucking kicked ass!” South pumped her fist after, tucking her helmet under her other arm as they headed up to the observation room to figure out what their next set of orders were based on the scoring system in place. Connie nodded, smiling at South from behind her hair, masking half of her face.

“We really did. It isn’t often you get to run the dome shield, and with my holos, we were able to tandem them so well. York, North, and Wash didn’t even see us coming.” Connie shifted her helmet so it wasn’t between her and South, purposely bumping her hip against the other freelancer’s as they headed through the hallway. South turned to her, surprised that she would be clumsy enough to stumble into her to find the smaller freelancer’s lips pressed against hers, working her mouth open softly with barely contained hums and whimpers. South gave into her, kissing her back and leaning back against the wall behind her. Warmth spread through her in a way she hadn’t experienced and Connie kept pressing, nibbling at her lip and pressing into her hips. South couldn’t see Connie balancing on her tiptoes to reach her with Connie tangling her fingers into the short blonde strands of hair. Connie massaged her fingers into the base of South’s neck, brushing her teeth over her lip, pulling back. Connie’s breath was hot against South’s neck as she pulled her into a hug, needing to ground herself.

The two parted not long after. South stared, her breath coming in short, shallow gasps from how much she had been caught off guard. Connie took a step back, nodding in the direction of the stairs to the observation room.

“Come on. They’re going to wonder where we are.” Connie stopped at the base of the stairs, waving at South to follow when she hadn’t moved an inch from where Connie had left her. “Oh come on. You can’t be hung up that much on it.” She marched back over to South, grabbing her hand and pulling her along to the stairs, guiding her up the steps. South only thought to turn her hand to lace hers with Connie’s once they were at the top of the stairs and had to drop them for the sake of appearances.

“Skilled use of equipment without the use of AI, ladies.” The counselor turned the page on his clipboard, looking over at the Director, still looking out over the floor.

“You could still improve with them. South, you are in line for implantation with Washington next week. Improve more, and you could, potentially, earn more favor.” He turned around to face her. “My favor. As for you,” he stated as he turned to Connie, the pair still at attention, “your calculations are still a little off when you fire the holograms. Fix it. You will have another test tomorrow. Same sparring partners and without her help this time. Dismissed.” He turned away from them, nodding to the Counselor, who set to have the training room reset for the next test.

South didn’t bother to stay when they were dismissed, still high from the kiss and the praise-- if she could call it that-- from the Director. She walked silently with Connie back to the bunks, prepared to shed her armor before she even got a chance to hit the locker room and store it.

Normally she would be more focused on the Director’s praise, even if she would never admit it, but Connie walking next to her was more distracting them anything. She had considered the two of them together prior to now, but after seeing Connie react more to Wash’s kindness than her own, she chose to back off instead of throw herself into something that was never going to happen. Yet this? This gave her hope for those lips to be against hers again. This made her mind run wild in the minutes that had passed since it happened, drunk on the warmth and sensation that she had experienced.

“Earth to South. South.” Connie waved her hand over South’s line of vision, the purple freelancer shaking her head to be rid of her daze, shooting Connie a shy smile at being overtaken so much at the previous action. “Were you on the moon or something? I’ve been calling your name for the last minute. I’m hurt.” She flashed her a toothy grin, storing the last of her armor and offered her hand to take South’s helmet.

“You’re hurt? Did I accidentally shoot you?” South asked, concerned. She stood up crossing the few steps to check her over, brow furrowing in confusion when Connie started to giggle.

“South, sweetie, I meant I was hurt that you were ignoring me so much it took me shouting your name to pull you back to reality. What had you do enraptured that you couldn’t be called back so quickly?” Connie took a seat on the bench, taking the time to pull off her greaves and boots. She stretched out her legs, dropping the last of the armor pieces to the ground to gather into her locker.

“It was nothing. Just focused on doing well enough to actually get something good out of this program. Strange I know, but I actually want to get his approval this time? I’m not sure if it makes any damn sense, but I still want it just to prove I’m just as good as him.” South looked at the floor. _What had her so enraptured? Connie, you, it was you._

“Feels good to have that approval you never wanted, huh?”

South nodded.

\---

South rubbed her finger over the rim of her glass of water, staring absently in the late night hour. The bright, red letters glared the time at her, reminding her that wakeup call was in only a few hours, yet she couldn’t stop thinking about her. All the things gone wrong, and here she was, unable to sleep, all because of a hurried kiss in the middle of the hallway coming back from the training room floor. Letting her hands wander hadn’t worked like it normally did when she thought of Connie. This was different, more to it than normal. The soft sigh that left her lips when she turned over, thinking of the kiss again, desperate for the repeat the performance.

South flopped over in bed, still trying to think of a solution to this. She could actually tell her how she felt, despite not mentioning it in the mess hall at dinner, nor bringing it up at all the entire time they sat together before bed. It didn’t help that the pair had talked about nothing and everything in that time, wandering from the crowded chatter of the mess hall to a quieter corner to talk. The few observation decks across the ship always ended up being deserted at this time of night.

_“So what do you want to do when you finish up here?” Connie stared up at the ceiling with her head in South’s lap, cleaning the dirt from under her nails._

_“Hmm?” Connie hummed._

_“Do you have plans for what you want to do when you’re out from under the Director’s thumb?” South asked again, brushing the free strands of hair from Connie’s forehead, too paralyzed with fear to ask if the plans involved her. She knew they didn’t._

_“Oh you know,” Connie explained with a wave of her hand, dismissing the specificity of her reply. “This and that. Probably head to somewhere with a surf. I left behind my longboard when I joined up and I would like to get back into surfing, but I know I’m going to eat so much shit when I head back.” She paused for a beat, and South could swear Connie leaned into her hand just a little bit. “What do you have planned?”_

_“Probably head back home. If mom’s garden store is still doing well, probably work there for a bit until I’m up on my feet. North will probably get a job offer right off away from mom’s place so I see myself tending to the gardens for a while.” South laughed. “Hard to imagine me tending a bunch of flowers. Though, better than running register. Nothing like getting bitched at by some suburbanite soccer mom because you cut her fucking flowers at an angle instead of flat.”_

_“What’s the prettiest flower your mom keeps in the shop?” Connie smiled sweetly, awaiting the answer._

_“Probably the stargazer lilies that she only has for a few months out of the year. They’re hard to keep because they require so much specific maintenance. Doesn’t mean they aren't pretty.” South may have spoken of her mother’s garden shop like she hated working there, but the flowers soothed her. They didn’t remind her she was awkward like people did. They didn’t tell her she was mean. They didn’t say to stop covering herself up for the sake of not opening up to people. They didn’t look at her the way Connie was doing right now._

_“Interesting. They’re pretty for sure, but I wouldn’t say they’re the prettiest. They’re up there though.” Connie sat up, stretching her arms above her head and standing. “Better turn in though. We have that mission tomorrow evening to investigate that Insurrectionist activity.” Connie held out her hand to help her up. “Get some sleep, sweetie.”_

Sleep. Right. Sleep was going to happen when she couldn’t think of anything besides the fact that their bunks were big enough for two people if they were willing to get close. Sleep was going to happen when all she could recall was Connie talking about enjoying the feel of microfleece on her skin, wanting to experience what Connie talked about so much that she went out and bought one on her next shore leave. South pulled the blanket up to her face, relishing in the softness. She sighed again. Sleep was for the weak.

\---

South hauled herself out of bed the next morning, exhausted from the night before. Three hours of sleep was brutal normally, but when they had a mission that day, it turned into torture. South vowed to slip in a nap where she could. Maybe something to perk her up considering she would be a grump otherwise. Blearily, she made her way through the food line of the mess hall, grabbing waffles, bacon, eggs, and fruit, anything to keep her going. North nodded at her, holding up the two glasses of orange juice. Good ol’ North. _Even with the lightbulb, he still knew how to keep his sister happy._ She made her way over to him, squinting a little when Theta popped away as she came close. South sat across from him, raising an eyebrow at York to his right. The dumb look on North’s face told her all she needed to know. She noted how the pair had been closer lately, but she shook her head. _Barking up the wrong tree, brother. He’s too into our faithful leader, not that you haven’t checked her out too._ She traded one of her hardboiled eggs for the juice he brought her, stabbing her fork into a link of sausage on his plate, and narrowly missing North’s fork that tried to stop her.

“That was mine,” North pouted, elbowing York as he stared off at Carolina a few tables away. “You going to let her treat me like this?”

“She would do it anyway, regardless of what I say,” York shot back, putting one of his own sausage links onto North’s plate as he finished up, standing from the table and leaning down to kiss North’s cheek. “Besides, shouldn’t you be used to it by now?” York waved, taking his tray with him and leaving the twins to stare.

“Does he always kiss you like that?” South asked with a mouthful of waffle, washing it down with some of the orange juice. “Are you two even a thing?”

“Yes and no.” North shook his head. “He’s too into _her_ to even look twice at me. Can’t he see that he’s being led around?”

“Guess not.” South stuffed her mouth with more waffles, wolfing them down like the pain she felt for her brother. _You’re so blind to it, too. Just tell him you’re into him. Tell him so I feel a little better about not telling Connie._ Connie slid in at the table next to her, bumping her side affectionately.

“Hey, watch i---hi.” South was too dumbfounded by Connie going out of her way to sit next to her, she didn’t even finish the insult, instead shoving more food in her mouth. North watched with wide eyes that someone could have that much of a hold over her, conveniently eating the sausage York had left on his plate before he went to slide up to Carolina across the mess hall from them.

“Hello to you too. Did you sleep well last night?” Connie cut into her omelet, simple in its design, but altogether more food that she would be able to finish with the toast at the side. South nodded as she ate, ignoring the hand on her thigh under the table, keeping her mouth as full as possible so she had no chance to shove her foot in there.

“Slept great!” She shoved a whole egg in her mouth, squeaking when Connie squeezed her knee. “Was a little hard to get to sleep at first, but I was able to get to bed without being kept up all night. Not that I mind being up all night. Just,” she shoved another egg into her mouth to hush herself, pointing at North.

“South is awkward and a little hyper right now. She must think you’re cute.” North laughed at the wide-eyed expression South shot at him, picking up his tray and leaving the pair. _This is just like the time you told Wash I thought he looked good shirtless._ South looked at Connie, mouth still a little full. Connie leaned over to kiss her cheek, smiling at the small, uncertain noise from South’s throat when she pulled away.

“I think you’re cute too.”  
\---

_You got this. Just talk to her. Never mind what she told you in the mess hall. She could have meant it in that pitying sort of way that people do. Still, she thinks you’re cute and whatever the context, it’s still worth it to extend the invitation. Tell her you two will stick together. Tell her you’ll support her as a friend. Tell her you’ll listen to her rant and cry if she needs it. Tell her you lo--- no. Not that one. Don’t even bring that one up. This is a crush. Don’t even bring stupid words like that into this._

“You’re awfully quiet.” _Great, South. You sound like a lumbering fool._

“Oh, just trying to prepare myself.” South frowns at how uneasy Connie sounds, figuring she doesn’t want to speak with her before this mission. _Good job._

“Hey, worst comes to worst, we’ll just get kicked off the leaderboard. At least us ladies will be sticking together, right?” South kicks herself mentally when all Connie does is nod, thinking of the many ways that conversation could have gone so much better. _At least us ladies will be sticking together? Her kissing you doesn’t mean the two of you are going to fuck._ South mentally prepared herself for the jump that came next, listening to the chatter of the others as they got ready as well. She kept her eyes on Connie for a moment, figuring she would be behind her in their formation toward the main hangar. South didn’t notice she didn’t land with them, didn’t fight with them, or that she wasn’t there in general until she heard Carolina’s shouts for C.T. from behind as she headed to find the Insurrectionist leader. Top priority. She hated to think this way, but Connie would have to wait until she completed the objective at hand, hoping to earn some praise from Carolina as well as she got closer to her implantation day.

South scanned the hallways, looking for any sign that the leader was somewhere inside the facility that they had just stormed. She heard voices coming from a nearby hallway. She couldn’t tell what they were saying, aside from the fact that one sounded decidedly female and worried. She shrugged it off, heading down a hallway opposite to them in hopes of avoiding detection.

“Carolina, come in!” South radioed her leader, spotting the Insurrectionist leader heading out one way. She turned away just in time to miss Connie following him, the brown freelancer hiding from view when she looked back.

“South, report in.” Carolina’s voice came in tight, strained. Bullets fired in the background.

“Insurrectionist leader is on the move. We missed them. I just saw them take off, but if I get to the console in time, I can find out where they’re heading.” South shook her head, running to the console and downloading the destination coordinates to her memory chip. She tucked it away, looking off in the distance as the ship flew out of sight, not realizing Connie was on it. She made her fingers into a pistol, lining up the shot and pulling the ‘trigger’, vocalizing the noise of the gunshot. “Got the data, Carolina, heading back to main hangar.”

“Roger that.”

South couldn’t shake the feeling that the Pelican was the last time she would see Connie, considering she felt like the woman was trying to make a clean break. She was never that quiet on Pelicans, not around her. She didn’t touch her either.

South held up her hand with the memory chip in it, handing it to Carolina once she got into the room. It should be enough.

“Next time, we’ll get them. Let’s head back.”

 _Without Connie?_ South fell into step after Carolina.

\---

Everything was wrong. Connie was gone. Texas was wrong. Texas had attacked Wyoming. The words repeated in her head as she tried to convince herself of everything. _“She’s not a fucking monster, North.”_ Her words echoed in her head. South had heard rumors that Texas wasn’t as she appeared to be, fulfilling orders that none of the other freelancers could match. She proved to be an unstoppable force that could outrun, outgun, and outfight any of the freelancers, in a team or alone. Right now though? Right now South continued to be overwhelmed with the fact that Connie wasn’t coming back. That last glimpse at the shipyard was all she had left.

South kicked her wall the first time, the thud deafening in the quiet room. She kicked it again, this time for thinking that Connie hadn’t left. Her fist connected with the wall this time, for being so stupid. How could she? Why did she? South had so many questions and now none of them will be answered. Did she even care in the first place? South landed one more swift kick, wincing when her toes slammed into the end of her boot. She admired the dent for a moment and she would have been more proud considering she hit hard enough to damage a metal wall, but she was too distraught. She couldn’t shake what Carolina had said. How she was gone. How Connie had fled with the resistance. It didn’t help that she never got to tel--- no. She snapped her helmet back on and left her room, determined to find something to distract her from the realization that Connie wasn’t coming back.

“Hey, never thought I’d see you come out of there. Sounds like you fought the wall. Did the wall win?” Texas walked up from her dark spot in the hallway, seemingly appearing from nowhere.

“Do you always ghost around the hallways or are you just skulking around me in an effort to prove that you’re better than me?” _I don’t need you to shove it in my face on top of the bullshit with the leaderboard._ “Go away. I have shit to do.” South closed herself off as she headed for the training room, needing to clear her head. Texas dropped her act, leaving the teasing attitude aside. She bowed her head and followed slowly behind South on her way to the training room. “Are you fucking deaf? Leave me the hell alone.”

“I wanted to say I’m sorry.” Texas spoke in a low tone, hands folded in front of her. “If I had known that Connie’s passing would have affected you this much, I would have done better to ensure that she was taken in alive instead of just ensuring the safe return of the armor she possessed, which I also failed to recover.”

“Why the fuck are you apologizing though? Carolina said she got away.” South tried to keep her voice from shaking, knowing that Texas was going to elaborate into details she didn’t want to think about.

“She did, in a sense. When Carolina and I took on her and the Insurrectionist Leader, the two of them limped out of the room following the fight. They both got away, though I don’t foresee her having made it far from where we fought.” Texas offered her hand in a sign of condolence.

“No.” South took a step back. “Do not keep talking. Do not come to me and tell me she’s dead. Get the fuck out of my face. I don’t want to know that she’s gone and you’re the one who killed her.”

“I’m sorry, South.” Texas withdrew her hand, sounding sad. “At the time, I didn’t realize the implication of killing a teammate. I wanted the job done, since I was sent there to do it. She fought admirably.”

“No.”

“But the blows from the throwing axes are what did her in. If she’s still alive, though every indication I have says that her vitals faded and ceased, she’s severely wounded and likely won’t live much longer. Still, I’m sorry. I know she meant a lot to you.”

“No,” South repeated with more insistence.

“She didn’t mean a lot to you?” Texas cocked her head to the side, misunderstanding South’s outrage.

“Why would you come to me and tell me this? Why would you kill a teammate in the first place? If you only needed to recover her armor, then why would you? You could have left _her_ alone. I don’t care what she did or how she hurt you but she was better than the end you gave her. You had no right…” South turn to stomp off, unable to wipe away the tears from her eyes as she got further from Texas standing in the hallway. “She didn’t deserve this!”

South stormed past the training room, off beyond the gym to the other side, barely registering when she found herself in the observation deck where she and Connie had spoken. She had shared so many details about herself as Connie’s head had laid in her lap that night and now it was for nothing. She threw her helmet off, cracking the visor when it bluntly came into contact with the corner of a bolted down table in the observation deck. She threw herself onto the couch where they had whispered so much, less than a week ago, and now there was nothing to show for it. She wouldn’t need to come up with an excuse anymore as to why Connie should come with her to visit her mother’s garden shop anymore. She didn’t need to figure out a way to tell North that she finally told her how she felt now that she wasn’t here anymore. It didn’t matter that she had started to build that little world in her head where she and Connie would have been able to stick together.

_“At least us ladies will be sticking together.”_

She squeezed out the last of her tears. How could she have not known that Connie was helping the resistance? How could she have missed it? It hurt to think that other aspects of Connie’s affections could have been fake as well, but South chose not to dwell on it. _You still meant a lot to me, and you always will._ South curled in on herself, finally quieting the sobs she didn’t acknowledge were happening before then. She scrubbed her face with her gloves, wiping away the last of the tears that had bubbled to the surface, draining her of what little emotional stability she had left for the day.

What hurt the most is that she didn’t get to say goodbye.

\---

_“Who’s the monster now, bitch?”_

South leaned closer to North as he carried her out of the hanger where he met her and Texas. Despite dodging all of the missiles South had lobbed at Texas with the missile pod, the black-armored freelancer refused to do anything but continue to dodge, avoiding her attacks. She didn’t shoot back, though from what South could tell, Texas continued to be unarmed. South didn’t understand it. She doubted she ever would. She didn’t get why North thought it was on him to go up against her. What did Texas do that was so monumental? South dizzied herself up in circles, asking herself question after endless question trying to figure out the last week or so when everything had come crumbling down. To be fair, their entire world had come crashing down, literally, for all of them.

“Come on, let’s get some things packed so that we can get out of here. I know there are some Warthogs in the vehicle bay. Grab what you need and we can get out of here.” North set South down, heading to his own room to fill up his rucksack with supplies. South headed in the opposite direction, first stopping at her own room to gather what few personal items she still had. Most of it didn’t matter. What mattered was going through what was left of Connie’s room to ensure that nothing important was left.

Before she headed to Connie’s room, a single silver dog tag stood out on her table. South didn’t know how she had missed it before, but she picked it up anyway. _Agent Connecticut, 00572-84952-RT, Blood type: O NEG._  South ran her finger over the engraving. Like all of their dog tags, Connie’s also contained a storage unit, prompting South to finish up in her room to plug it in a nearby console to see if she had left anything.

“North, I’m going to need a few minutes. I have something I gotta check out.” She kept the communication channel open, in case he needed her.

“Roger that. Five minutes work?” he radioed back, overwhelmed with static.

“Should be enough. Just making sure everything I’m taking is a necessity.” South plugged the dog tag into the console, pulling up several files. Records, information on Project Freelancer, Win-Loss statistics. One file stood out to her. _Lily_. South raised an eyebrow, considering all the rest of them looked like important documents. South opened the file, frozen when the vid popped up. Connie stared back at her.

 

_South,_

_Words cannot describe the incredible feeling when I’m around you, so I will attempt to try. There are forces working against us right now, beyond just the Director. He’s certainly a factor, but this isn’t about him. This is about you. What is not commonly known is that I only defected to help destroy Project Freelancer from within. If I succeeded in that by the time you read this, I hope that you are happy in your life. I also hope that if I am still alive, I can come find you after._

_South, so much of my life seemed dull before we met. Yes we met under circumstances that otherwise would have sent others running, but we were both still there, trying to survive._

_I want you to know that I never stopped caring for you. I never came out and said it in so many words, but you were part of the reason I got up in the morning. You sparked this tiny fire in me that I wasn’t able to ignore. You shook me up and turned my world upside down. I wanted nothing more than to be able to hold you close each night and wake with you in the morning. I was lost when I thought of a life without you, but I knew what my mission was, and unfortunately, I had to go this part alone. I just hope you aren’t too angry with me not to forgive me._

_I want nothing but happiness for you, even if it can’t be with me if I’m unable to return to you. Please don’t cry for me, knowing that I told you all this, that I hurt you, and I can’t comfort you. You mean the whole world to me, but I was too late when I found you. I’m hoping that I’m wrong, and I can tell you all of this in person._

_You remember when I told you the Star-gazer lily was only the second most beautiful flower out there? That’s because it doesn’t compare to you. It doesn’t have your spirit, drive, or beauty. Never stop reaching for the stars, my love. I did the best I could with our limited resources, but on this drive is a file. I drew it for you. May that lily be just as beautiful as any you can find at your mother’s shop._

_My hope is to see you again in this life. If I’m not able to, then I’ll wait for you in the next._

_Much love,_

_Connie_

 

Before the vid finished, South had already laid down against the console, tears streaming down her face. She knew Connie wasn’t coming back, but this made it hurt so much worse. Why didn’t Connie say something? Why didn’t she? South didn’t hear the footsteps come up behind her slowly as the vid repeated, tensing when North’s hand touched her shoulder. She shot up from her position, turning to glare at whoever had chosen to intrude on the private moment. Her face softened when she saw North and she wiped her gloved hand against her sleeve. He knew how much Connie meant to her, but it didn’t help ease the pain in her chest at knowing she was gone now.

“Come on, kiddo, we have to go. Grab your stuff. We need to get moving.”

 


End file.
